Previous Entry Share Next Entry
2 1/2 years
problemanik
today makes two and a half years i have been married. time goes by so fast.  there has been so many ups, so many downs, and so many in betweeens i guess you could say. i hope with everything inside of me, my best days of being a husband are ahead of me. i often feel as if i fail to give her everything she wants and needs in our relationship. i tell her each and every passing day, i give her every fiber of my being, i place my blood, sweat, and tears into our marriage. its on the days when i feel as if i'm so lost even within my own skin, that i worry i will drive a wedge between us. even the greatest of artists, cannot paint a picture of what it is like to be me for even just a day. so much turmoil, so many battles, a war i wage against myself, with losing being the only outcome. i'm trying so hard to open up and show her, and others, what its like to be me. this is my goal, i'm giving it my all. i want everyone in my life to know how much i love you and how i try to hold the pieces together and make it through my life...one day at a time

  • 1
congratulations... on being married so long and for working so hard.

i'm an artist and i can't duplicate it. my husband is bipolar (but not sza) and i think that actually is beneficial as he understands more than most do. what was difficult was realising that i can't be everything to him nor can he be everything to me.

we've been down that road as well. it almost destroyed us, but as of late, we are learning better ways to communicate with each other. how long have you been married? time passes by so fast in my opinion. i feel like i have been so consumed and so lost within my emotions at times, that it has left these gaps within my memory. as if certain periods seem just as if a blur.

that happens to me in manic phases too. it is like a wind tunnel-blur. i do things i don't remember doing. sometimes terrible, often wonderful.

we've been married a little over 4 years. not quite 4.5. it is the longest i've ever stuck with anyone- and due most likely to the fact that we have 2 little boys. but the open-marriage thing helped me a lot- not just because i am incapable of not "cheating" on someone but also because it's forced me to trust and communicate very effectively. there is nothing i feel like i can't talk to him about and vice-versa and that is so important to me.

i have to slow myself down a lot of the time. it is amazing to watch the older of my boys (jackson) just like me- a literal whirlwind with a wonderful, crazy imagination and very emotional. the other one (cole) is just like my husband (whose name is john)- a little buddha. always content.

i was just looking at your profile. fibro too? i have scoliosis, but i don't think the all-consuming pain is entirely attributable to that. then again... it is my spine.

what emotions consume you most? thrill? despair? what are your psychotic symptoms?

to be honest, relationship wise, this is the longest and most stable relationship i've had. what you and your husband have is truly a beautiful thing. owning that feeling, of being able to talk to each other about anything, truly special and beautiful in my opinion.

i do have fibro as well as arthritis. a lot of people don't believe me if i level with them about my overall health. it seems so strange to me, but what has leveled me out more than i have been in ages, has been the physical pain from the fibro and arthritis. i often say that feeling, whether positive or negative feelings, is still better than being so completely numb.

hmm, most consuming for me is paranoia quite often. i cycle rapidly, often several times within the same day. this is what puts such a strain on our marriage. its so difficult emotionally, and even physically for my wife to have to take that ride with me each and every day. she often blames herself if i have a sudden crash from a manic high. i think what's most frustrating to me personally is when i regress back into old habits or as if i've went back to a different period from my past.

  • 1
?

Log in

No account? Create an account