where to even begin
 going from one extreme to another, well...it's never a good thing. i've had rapid cycling before, but i'm finding it hard to maintain a stable mood for even up to an hour. my head is so full of negative remarks i am hearing. if i try to fight it, if i try to think positively about myself, it just gets stronger ans louder each time as it pulls me back down below. i'm most definitely in bend but don't break mode right now. i just don't want to be me. do you ever just hate yourself for simply existing? every choice i choose, every option i can come up with in my mind, is wrong right now. i feel like just crawling into bed and try to escape my reality. feeling so worthless and pointless is a feeling that sickens me deep within my being. it feels like a virus coursing through my body, with no end in sight. 

quiet mornings
 its so very quiet and peaceful this morning. it feels so amazing sometimes to hear absolutely nothing at all. as far as rest, i was able to sleep a bit. i'm still waking up feeling very disoriented and  groggy. i've read so many blogs about stopping cymbalta. It's strange to me how strong of a grip this medication has had upon me. I'm still very, very dizzy, easily confused, having trouble putting sentences together, and extremely nauseous. I feel so sick even every time i even think about any particular food. I know i must stay on track though, and keep my focus as best as possible. I'm hoping better days are just around the bend, before i am once more in my life, to break.

2 1/2 years
today makes two and a half years i have been married. time goes by so fast.  there has been so many ups, so many downs, and so many in betweeens i guess you could say. i hope with everything inside of me, my best days of being a husband are ahead of me. i often feel as if i fail to give her everything she wants and needs in our relationship. i tell her each and every passing day, i give her every fiber of my being, i place my blood, sweat, and tears into our marriage. its on the days when i feel as if i'm so lost even within my own skin, that i worry i will drive a wedge between us. even the greatest of artists, cannot paint a picture of what it is like to be me for even just a day. so much turmoil, so many battles, a war i wage against myself, with losing being the only outcome. i'm trying so hard to open up and show her, and others, what its like to be me. this is my goal, i'm giving it my all. i want everyone in my life to know how much i love you and how i try to hold the pieces together and make it through my life...one day at a time

here we go again...
 does anyone else get so frustrated with those who say, "you don't look like you are sick"??? yeah, we certainly live in a society heavily based upon looks, but it's totally ridiculous to have our level of wellness to be based upon this. damn...it feels good to vent. even if this isn't read by anyone at all, it feels so good to get it off of my mind. i'm giving live journal a try, which is something i have never done before. so many of the things i face each day, well...they aren't the easiest of things to open up about and discuss with those who cannot understand what its like to have the same conditions or issues. i really think it will be good for me to just write and release. meeting new people, making new friends, would be great to see happen along the way.


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